Postpartum Psycho

So, yesterday I did something I hadn't done in 11 months. I ventured out of the house for the first time without Jack - by myself. Granted, for 10 of those months, Jack and I were one entity, so he went where I went, and towards the 10th month we went nowhere; we stayed at home mostly. (By the way, I'm not a person who views her home as a restful sanctuary; there are always chores to be done and projects to finish. I'm much more relaxed sitting in my favorite coffee shop.)

This was a momentous outing for me and I wasn't sure how I would handle it. After all, Jack and I need each other and are wholeheartedly, spiritually connected. OK, well, I am connected, as in I'd like to think that my baby needs me that much. He's pretty much attached to the milk...and if Rich could produce it, I think I'd be close to useless. The boy LOVES his daddy!

Thank God for breastfeeding!

Anyway. I knew I had a one to three hour window after feeding Jack since I hadn't started pumping yet, and I met Fougs for lunch at the Olive Garden. I got there first and sat in the bar area (!) and ordered a little glass of Lambrusco to sip on until she arrived. We had appetizers, even, and had a great time hanging out. I enjoyed laughing and chatting, and feeling free for the first time in a while.

Then Rich called.

The baby was hungry and fussy. Come home.

But it had only been an hour!

Two minutes later he called back.

Never mind. He's calm.

OK. I could finish my conversation.. Except that I couldn't focus very well. I told myself that Jack wouldn't starve if I didn't show up in the next ten minutes. But I'm horrible for making him wait! And what about poor Rich for having to deal with the crying, literally unequipped, without any tools! Bad, selfish Momma!!

We paid the check, as I feigned calmness, even though my heart was aching, the guilt pouring over me in torrents. I drove home as quickly as possible. I dropped my bag, ran to Jack, and whispered an apology in his ear for making him wait.

Not at all psychotic.

And he was fine. I needn't have worried.

But as I said, this was my first postpartum outing sans baby. I stayed gone for about an hour and a half, an hour of which felt incredibly good. After I start pumping things will be a little different, but I have a long way to go before I am comfortable leaving him for an entire day, even in the most capable hands, especially to go back to work.